Tyler Hillis

I logged in.

The title emerged carved onto a rain-soaked stone: Dragon’s Nightmare IX: The Dawn of a New Day of Dangerous Dragons and Terrible Nightmares. The stone was pretty big.

[Press X to Continue] flashed on the screen. I pressed A. It continued anyway. I felt mischievous. 

The screen filled with paragraphs of text. I scrolled past without reading. I briefly saw the letters “EULA” but averted my eyes before it could shatter my precious immersion. 

With my privacy forfeited, the music swelled and I was transported back into the Wysterian Wylds. 

I left my home and emerged into the capital city of Capitalville. The sun was in its designated early-morning position in the sky and it cast well-crafted shadows onto the wooden-textured buildings. An indistinguishable hum of generic city sounds filled the air—the murmuring of idle chatter, the laughter of children (even though I’d never seen a child in Wysteria), and the clanking of blacksmith’s tools. 

NPCs walked along their rigid routes, pausing every once in a while to look at nothing in particular. When approached they’d say something like, “Have you heard about the group of bandits in the mountains?” or “Good tidings, traveler,” or “My peach has molded, care to sniff it?” 

I paid them no mind, for today was the day I conquered the greatest challenge: Marriage. 

On my second monitor I opened the twenty-seven-step guide on how to romance. 

I went to the marketplace at midday and stood near the group of gossiping monks. They spoke of church scandals, the reanimated corpse problem, and then, of marriage ceremonies. 

[New quest added] sparkled on my screen and I clicked it. This was step one. 

Steps two through twenty-six took me all across the lands. I killed twelve elephant-sized rats and harvested their whiskers. With these whiskers I crafted a lute. I used the lute to play the Tune of Temptation atop a mountain. I spoke with Almightius, who asked me to prove my worth by stealing a stone from a cobbler. I accidentally killed the cobbler, but I managed to take the stone. This was followed by an assassination, a trade, and some light gardening. 

By step twenty-seven, I was able to ask a tavern wench for her hand in marriage. 

“Please join me in magical union under the Tree of Sparkles.”

[You must have an engagement ring in your inventory to propose]

Disregarding my selection, the wench reverted to her merchant script; “Buy an ale or fuck off.” 

She had an amazing way with words.

I scanned through the guide once more. At the very top, in bold letters, a sentence read, “Be sure to acquire an engagement ring before following these steps.”

I opened a separate thirty-six-step guide on how to acquire an engagement ring. The time was 2 a.m. and I faced the most daunting of questions. Do I go to sleep and resume when I wake up? Or do I proceed, resolute in my quest?

I logged out.